It’s taken me some months to write this. The title denotes the length of time I’ve estimated it’s taken to complete my dissertation, from the first day of classes to my dissertation defense. Truth be told, I am still formatting, editing – but I am over the big hump and plan to graduate in May.

This was such a source of embarrassment, for a long time. This dissertation, if it were a person, is older than my actual child!  I completed my Master’s degree in exactly 1 calendar year – I knew how to do this school thing.  And, then, I just didn’t.

I could give you a whole lot of excuses about why it took so long.  New marriage, then divorce; having an infant, toddler, and now teenager; starting and expanding a business; losing my mother; living through a pandemic.

The honest truth is – it just wasn’t my time.   It WAS, however, a period during which I tried to learn patience, perseverance, and asking for any and all help.

I write this to share with anyone who is completing a degree, starting a business, looking for a job – sometimes you have to sit in the winter phase of the year. Stay focused. Do what you can (even if it feels like the smallest of efforts) to move forward. Rest. 

Delayed is not denied – not if you don’t allow it to be.

Signed, Janine Hill, PhD 

Dear Potential DEI client,

Thanks for reaching out. I am usually much more prompt in my reply – this week has really thrown me for a tizzy.  Well, let me be honest — I don’t feel any worse than I felt when I found out the police officer/killer of Michael Brown was not going to be charged and prosecuted, or Tamir Rice was shot, or when I found out Sandra Bland was dead in her cell. I do, however, feel like I can mourn the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor (who would have been 27 today), and George Floyd more publicly this week.

I apologize for not responding to your email, but I have spent the week walking for miles,  sleeping late and taking a lot of naps, watching the memorial service, and vacillating between being very sad and very angry.

It’s an interesting conundrum I find myself in – I have marketed myself as a “DEI consultant, with a particular focus on racial equity”, but just at the time I am most in demand, with people and organizations like yours reaching out this week to inquire about my services, I feel the most unable to be productive, or to want to discuss these topics outside of my close friends and family.

I am doing a lot of soul searching, meaning-making, and feeling – as I know you are. And I realize I have to take care of myself personally, before I can even think about what this may mean for my racial equity work, and my firm. I know that I will have to really review and revamp my offerings – and think about what REALLY makes change inside social good organizations. But, first, I have to be still.

While I think and plan, I am in the midst of formulating some new questions and principles to share with any new DEI client, and wanted to test them with you:

Questions:

1. I have read a number of organizational statements, and been mostly unimpressed and unmoved. Ben and Jerry’s is now my new standard for statements to address the current climate.  Can I see yours? What actions are you taking to support racial equity? What does your leadership team and Board of Directors look like? How do you operationalize racial equity in your policies and programs?  What donations are you making to organizations making a difference? How are you supporting communities you serve?
2. What did you do, specifically, to support your black staff members this week, and what will you continue to do moving forward? Every single one of them is struggling, even if you don’t see it.
3. If your leadership team leaves something to be desired in terms of the promotion and retention of black people (as many of your organizations do) – what’s your commitment in the next 6 months to a year to improve representation?
4. What is your PERSONAL commitment to racial equity? And I don’t mean attending every protest and rally, posting a black square on your Facebook page, and sending a text to your black friend to ask how they are doing.   Who are your friends? Your health care providers? What organizations do you support? Do you subscribe to the “all lives matter” rhetoric?

Principles:

1. I will no longer take on projects that only involve racial equity/DEI training of Board or staff. It feels like I am being part of the problem then – I am making people feel that they are moving work forward, when in reality they are only setting one part of the foundation in which real work can occur. I will, of course, do trainings within a larger scope of work – and I fully plan to use terms like “white dominant culture” and “white supremacy” in my sessions.
2. If I think you are not fully committed to increasing the representation of black people in your leadership teams – and to think long and hard and implement policies to improve recruitment and retention of the same – then I respectfully decline to work with your organization.
3. I need to get to know you as a person, and to understand your lived experiences, intent and desired impact – this work requires so much emotional labor from me, and I need to understand where you are coming from, as colleagues and as humans.

I understand these questions and principles may turn some of you off, and I think you should know where I stand before you hire me. I want you to understand that I am vetting you, as well.

Thanks for your interest,  Janine

On the afternoon of December 20, 2019, I was feeling good. I had just finished facilitating my last meeting of the year, and was driving home to surprise my daughter and pick her up from school.  Coming from downtown Chicago, I was getting off the highway – another driver was getting off the highway behind me, and tried to cut over to another lane a bit too close…and there went my bumper (see the picture above).

I’m always trying to make meaning of things, and so, in that optimistic spirit, here’s what I learned from the experience – that I have framed as astute business strategies:

1.      It’s most important to do the right thing, in the difficult times.

It was a new, young driver that hit me—and he looked a bit shell-shocked. We pulled over to the side of the road, and he came up to my window, saying “I am so sorry”. My response was “Are you ok?” I did not yell, or show my annoyance (mostly) –even in that moment, I tried to focus on the important thing – us not being injured. In my business, in any business, you are tempted, particularly when you are stressed and tired, to make shortcuts, and to focus on those things that may be urgent, but not important (thanks Stephen Covey!). When I am stressed, I try to slow down to make decisions, and to realize there are few shortcuts in making things right. 

Side note: last year (same day, in a weird twist of fate) I rear-ended someone, so I know what it feels like to be on the other side, and to negatively change someone’s day. They treated me with respect, too, so I had that in mind as I tried to pay that grace forward. 

2.      Keep your smile and sense of humor.

Shortly after the accident, the local police department drove up and took our contact information. I was pretty close to home, in a community I have lived in the majority of my life, so of course at least 3 people I knew saw me on the side of the road and pulled over and called to be sure I was okay.  My mom’s best friend was heading in the other direction and saw me on the side of the road talking to the police and called – when she was teased about not stopping to check on me, she said, “I knew she was okay, because I saw her smiling and laughing on the sidewalk.” This smile and sense of humor has gotten me through some difficult projects, some late nights, and some conversations—and, I think, make me an enjoyable coach and consultant to clients. 

3.      The most important value I have in the marketplace is my time and ability to connect with people.

After I got the repair quote (about 30 minutes after the accident), I shared it with the parent of the driver (who had also come to the accident site and apologized)—and, about 2 hours later, they had paid me the entire amount of the quote (hard to believe, I know). When I met him at a café to get the funds, we ended up sitting and talking for about 20 minutes about being a parent, and our joint experience in being college professors.  He also brought some Japanese Kit Kats, he said, for my daughter. As I chuckled about our conversation later, I realized what a gift it is to be able to build rapport quickly. If I had to note only one skill or trait that has helped me build a successful business – it is this one.

My bumper is now fixed – if I had not shared this story with you, you would not notice anything had happened as I tool around town. But the lessons remain…happy 2020!

PS: I will not be tempting the hands of fate and driving anywhere the Friday before the holiday break in 2020. 😊